I can hear the gong now. I often wake up right before it, but then I go back to sleep for twenty more minutes. After that I join the meditation. I have a bad stomach and I am not sure what to eat, to fix it. Everything is fried..

A lot of yogis drink coffee here. I am tempted today and I try some instant super sweet white coffee. It is so good.. but in a few hours I regret my choice. After my body got a little high from all this sugar, its levels gets really low when it is all burns out. I feel dizzy and weak. Never again. This instant stuff is poison.

I cannot concentrate all day. I think about coming home, what I am going to do, where I will go. Today, when I meditate, I am somehow short of breath. I am not able to do sitting, neither walking meditation, longer than half an hour. Maybe because I did not take any naps at all. I try not to do that, in order to sleep at night. Last night was terrible. I could not sleep. I kept thinking there are bugs in the bed. During the day all my body is itchy. I do not know if this is from boredom and fight against the long meditation hours or from actual bugs. I see discusting larva in a bathroom, but I keep thinking ‘only two days, only two days more..’. I feel like I cannot take even one more hour. I am going to try. I do not want to give up on working on myself.

Dhamma talk:

Vipassana meditation is to gain purity of mind. Other types of meditation can be used to gain the peace of mind. This one however, called also Inside Meditation, specifically helps us to find peace and freedom from suffering. It is also used to eliminate: fearlessness of wrongdoing, shamelessness of wrondoing, jealousy, ignorance, doubt, remorse, wrongdoing, greed, hatred, dilusion, aggressiveness.

Samsara- round of good and bad, wheel of fortune. We are part of it, all our lives. We can change it with our actions. We can influance our karma.

Meditation helps in performing mental wholesome actions. We become aware of every moment and we can realise our actions in a better way. We usually perform mental unwholesome actions, when we think about sensual pleasures.

To gain peace, we have to associate wholesome mental features, like right mindfullness, right effort, right concentration. We can do good deeds to purify the mind. Purity of our minds will lead us to purity of our views. We will be free from negative emotions and we will walk the ‘nobel effort path’.

Main things to avoid for us should be ingnorance– we need to penetrate the thing, to see it as it really is. Opposite of ignorance is knowledge and wisdom.


Morning. I am coughing some weird stuff out off my tonsils. I wake up with the gong, but then i do everything so slow, that eventually I am fourty minutes late for walking meditation. Just two days left. I cannot think about anything except that it is almost over. Today I take it as a day of resting. I eat my favourite dish for breakfats, wich I invented when I needed to calm my stomach- rice with peanut butter. I take a big spoon of peanut butter, which is meant to be for toasts in the morning, and mix it with my plain rice. Everybody is staring at me with curiosity, but nobody ever dares to try the same. I go to sleep straight after breakfast. I sleep really tight. All the way untill lunch. Today they went wild with a shrimp powder and they have put it in literally every dish. I cannot stand the taste. I eat two muffins and tea. We have an interview. I tell the teacher what I have learnt and he says I improved. How so?! If I spent half of my day in bed. I am happy to hear some praise though. Now I have more energy to concentrate and try to meditate for the rest of the day. When I come to think about it, it is true I have learn some important things here. Some of those I had known before. Meditation just helped me to confirm them.


I wake up early. My airways are clear like never before. I do walking and sitting meditation. Today is still not the last day. The official last day is tomorrow. Then we will still have the 4am walking and sitting meditation, and after breakfast, there will be a closing ceremony. I decided to do my best today, but I am too excited to go home. Our coordinators already have warned us, not to give up on our last day, keep being mindfull, bla, bla, bla. I am happy to finish tomorrow, but also worried about going back. I have a long way back to Yogyakarta and just two hundred rupiah in my wallet. It is so hard to concentrate. Meditating becomes almost impossible. We have been living here, in this bubble, and we never even thought how it is going to be, when we are back in a real life. I am starting to think to much again, instead of calming my mind. I choose to go to sleep untill Dhamma talk. I wake up at 5pm. That is about the time when the Dhamma talk finishes. Shit. I am so angry. At myself and at the stupid gong. This was the last Dhamma talk. Too bad. I take a shower and prepare for an evening meditation. This place resembles too much of a monastery. Either praying or meditating for thirteen hours a day, can drive any normal person to the edge of exhaustion and madness. I totally appreciate Vipassana. I think it is amazing, life changing way to grow and discover things about yourself and universe around you. It gives one an inside knowledge, the key to everything. I , myself know, that meditation can help me to be hapier. Nonetheless, this retreat really feels like too much right now. I guess despite all these days of training, my mind is obstinately coming back to the ‘rational thinking’ again…

DAY 10

I wake up early to celebrate!

During this retreat I have learn many important things about myself and people around me. I got a  better understanding of things that happend to me in the past and that are happening to me now. I have much more confidence in what I want to do in life. Yet, the most important of all things, is one basic understanding, which I was already contemplating before:

EVERYTHING IS IN OUR MIND. Our body is not really our body. this is just energy, something changeable. We can influence it with the power of our mind. We can even influence others. We can feel connected to our body or we can totally disconnect it if we want to. It is not our body that decides, it is our mind that commands, changes, affects all things. This is a great force, which is not fully accepted, understood and used by us.

And I am about to change that…



Leave a Reply