Later in an eveningthere is a Dhamma talk. I do not understant a word from it, again.
Once more I talk with Frankie. He is nice as always. He sits with me on the floor of small pagoda and smiles.
‘eeeyyh.. I did not quite understand the right path of buddist…’
‘Yeah, the teacher has a difficult Myanmar accent. OK, It is like that..’
And he takes my for a trip to the buddist world. There are ghosts and devils, forty something heavens and more than hundred hells and another lives. He teaches me about karma, how to have a good karma and how to avoid the bad one. Nine perceipts of yogis are very important, he says. In your future life, you are going to use just five of them; no killing, no stealing, no immoral action, no lying and refraining from food and beveradge that weakens one’s awarness. He explaines how unwholesome deeds start in our minds, how it is important to control our minds, our speech and our actions. we should remember though, that mind is always first. Our thougths are very, very powerfull.
The opportunity to hear about all this was truly amazing…
Megan is leaving. She has some serious stomach problems. She also admits that the food and cleanliness of the place have a big impact on her decision. It is not five star at all, but we both agree that our coordinators are great and have an unbelievably good heart.
I am scared to continue alone. I try to do my best. I ruin my healthy diet, by eating here. I try to eat vegetables and fruits but there is not a lot of choice. Everything is fried, with a lot sugar, salt, palm oil, msg and shrimp powder, which makes it impossible be vegetarian. There are some raw vegetables, but it is usually cucumber, tomatoe and some lettuce, looking very dirty ans suspicious. I was expecting to find fresh, healthy vegan food and I was surprised to get this. More people were complaining about the menu and they explained to us why it is like that. Our Teacher said that real monk’s diet is not really vegan raw and super healthy. Monks rely on kindness of people who give them a meal. They have to accept whatever they have been given. There is no place for complaining or being fussy, just quiet acceptance and gratitude. For breakfast today I am having papaya, cucmber, lettuce, a small piece of carrot and some water with honey. By the dinner honey is already finished. I am having papaya and watermelon. Then lettuce, cabbage and cucumber. Whatever space is left in my stomach, I fill it up with white rice.
I practice yoga for two hours. Later on I have an interview with a teacher. Again I am speaking about my problems of falling asleep during the practise. ‘Not enogh effort‘ he continues saying. ‘Not enough effort my ass!’ I think to myself. I am really giving my hundred percent here. Then I nod in acceptance and thank the teacher.
Today I take just one hour nap. This is a lot better than yesterday. I try to meditate as much as possible. Tomorrow will be day 5. It means the half of it would be already over…
i cannot sleep at night. I am so stressed about bloody gong. I get up for peeing two or three times, during my six hours rest. When I finally hear the gong, I am to tired to get out of bed… My morning meditation is good. i do not fall asleep even one time. Breakfast is a disaster! I get really angry about all this litres of palm oil in my food. I eat papaya and toast. Then go back to sleep, still upset. I sleep like a tired dog. Two hours straight. I have weird dreams about my family, friends and religion talks. Lunch is much better. I want to sleep again, but I force myself, REAAAAALLY FORCE MYSELF to practise. I meditate like crazy through the whole afternoon. I even skip my 15 minutes streching routine and shower. I truly push myself to meditate longer. I can already do a sitting meditation for fourty five minutes without falling asleep, and with good focus on my breath.
- right effort
All feelings, pleasant and unpleasant are suffering- should we aim to have no feelings?
I wake up. I slept well, but still I am very tired. My muscles and my head hurt. I am sitting on my bed since fifteen minutes, staring at the floor and cosidering going back to sleep…
During my meditation today I have to stop. Another big wave of sadness comes. I cry a lot. I realise some things about my father. And then I cry again because I miss F. After that I sleep for two hours and wake up for lunch.
I havea diarea. It is probably from all this ‘fresh’ veggies I ate. I could see they were not properly washed, but I did not want to be fussy.
I am doing one hour of walking meditation and one hour of sitting meditation now.I do not fall asleep at all.
From the interview with teacher I learned:
TO HAVE EFFECTS FROM VIPASSANA PRACTICE, YOU NEED TO HAVE FAITH. THE RESULT OF PRACTICE IS TO UNDERSTAND TRUE NATURE OF EVERYTHING, UNDERSTAND ALL PHENOMENA. To practice we nee to have URGENCY. It is to say, we should realise we do not know how much time we have. We should always aim to practice as much as possible. We could die tomorrow, so there is no time.
Acording to Bhudda, all feeling are suffering. However we can be happy. In fact, this is the only way to find happiness- to realise that our atachement to feelings brings us unhappiness. There are two kinds of happiness:
- wordly happiness- pleasures of this world, like good food, nice things, beautiful places, life with your husband and children
spiritual happiness- the most precious one. It is the worldly happiness without attachement to it.
Day six is over. The meditation in the evening is the best for me. one hour walking and one hour sitting meditation. I have the Metha Chanting in my head. Only three days left!